Hopeless Romantic? (Na – Ramon Bautista, dre!)

Iyong pakiramdam na nakakainis pero hindi ka dapat mainis. Napipikon pero hindi dapat niya mapansin. Nagseselos pero hindi na dapat siyang isipin at iyong gusto mo na mag “move-on” pero panay pa rin sa tingin sa profile niya, na ang ending para na ako stalker na naghihintay kung naka online siya. HA-HA

Tawa na lang ako sa mga ginagawa ko ngayon. Wala kasi ako masabihan tungkol dito kaya post ko na lang baka may maka pansin.

Hindi na dapat magiging ganito iyong mararamdaman ko eh. Tama nga makinig at sundin ko na lang payo ng magulang ko. Hanggang ngayon ito, napapa tulala kapag naiisip ko siya. Shoot naman oh! Sa dami ng puwede ko isipin, IKAW pa? HA-HA nababaliw na naman ako. Ayaw ko na, iyon ang gusto ko. Kasi naman, paano hindi ako aayaw eh ang labo niya. Napa seryoso tuloy ako, it’s all lies naman pala. Pareho lang naman kami. We just fooled ourselves, so what happened now? Ako, ito naaalala pa rin iyong mga nangyari. Siya? Hindi ko alam. Ayaw ko na din malaman. Kahit nagiging stalker na ako kakaisip mula pa kanina sa kanya.

Mag rereview na ako, kaso nasira na naman phone ko. Eh sa dropbox ko ako nag rereview, babalik na naman tuloy ako dun sa pinag ayusan ko. Ayaw ko pa naman lumabas at pumunta sa kung saan ngayon.

Bumaba ako, check ko another phone ko, wala naman nag message eh, HA-HA ano ba message hinihintay ko? Ang gulo ko talaga, umaasa ako bigla na baka mag message siya. Imposible! Ignored ko na nga eh, ako pa ito nag hihintay?! HA-HA Gago ko din eh, bakit kasi pinatos ko pa siya eh hindi naman siya iba sa mga nauna. Ngayon ako ito bigla nagbago, napaseryoso kaso hindi na lang, iba trip niya eh. Makiagaw pa ba ako? Hindi naman siya all in set sa standards ko.

Oo gusto ko na kalimutan siya, dati pa nga eh. Ako lang kasi pabago bago kapag nariyan siya. HA-HA sige lang baka kasi may reasons. Ano pa ba gagawin ko? Makakalimutan din ang mga nangyari sa taong ito na hindi na dapat isama sa susunod na taon. Hindi naman siya kawalan, hindi talaga. Kasi lang naman, kaya ko nagagawa ito, kasi naaalala ko siya, na “missed”, ba? HA-HA

Hanggang ngayon, siguro kasi hindi maayos pagka paliwanag ko eh, kaya pati ako umaasa. HA-HA pero hindi na dapat. Wala na dapat. Ibabaon ko na lang lahat sa hukay HA-HA biro lang, ang bitter ko naman. Basta masaya na lang ako kung ano talaga gusto niya. Hindi naman napipigil nararamdaman ng tao eh, may kanya kanya iyan nararamdaman. Puwede gusto ka nila, pero sa ibang paraan. Napamahal sila sayo, pero hindi pang habambuhay. Kaibigan lang sa kabilang banda. Hindi naman kasi din tama na mag paasa. Masakit din sa pakiramdam ang umasa, mabigo at maiwanan. Lahat may dahilan kung bakit din nagmamahal. Ang mahalaga nag mahal ka din, kahit sa kanya parang aksaya lang ng oras. Nahihintay naman lahat eh, kung hindi mahintay, may mga dahilan. Hindi lahat dapat ipaalam ang dahilan, paraan pa rin kasi iyon para maging dahilan nang pagpili mo sa kung ano tama para sayo. Kung nag mahal ka, nag mahal din naman siya. May effort pa rin naman lahat, hindi naman lahat nasasayang, sadya lang na sobrahan iyong effort na nilaan. Kasalanan pa ba niya kung sobrang effort binigay mo? Nag mahal ka lang ng naayon sa kung ano din ang gusto mo.

Naniniwala naman ako sa mga ganyan bagay, paminsan-minsan. Kasi may iba iba din priority ang lahat. Oo, kayo pero hindi ibig sabihin, lagi niya laan ung oras niya sayo. Kayo lang, dapat lahat ng oras niya na sayo. Pumipili pa rin kung sino ung tao para sa kanila. Maliban na lang kung kasal na kayo, oo dapat sa kanya na ang attention mo kasi may kasulatan kayo na naaayon sa Diyos. Pero iyong ganito, na more than friends lang ang nararamdaman sa isa’t-isa, kung mag karoon man siya ng iba, siguro nag kulang ka o kaya may dahilan siya, na siya lang din nakakaalam. Hirap naman pilitin mo siya, hindi na pag ibig na nagkakabutihang loob kayo. Pagiging maka sarili na un. Kaya nga ngayon, kahit feeling stalker na ako sa mga ginagawa ko kahit ako na ung lumalayo, masakit man sa akin, accept ko na lang kaysa naman pilitin ko ang lahat ng bagay na hindi naman dapat. May dahilan din naman bakit niya iyon ginagawa. Nag tiwala lang din siguro ako kaya nagging ganito. Simula pa lang naman, iniisip ko na ganun siya. Nagbabago lang kasi, mahal ko siya. HA-HA Bakit kasi na sobra ang pag-ibig na iyan, maaari naman limitahan. Ngayon, naiisip ko na lang, sige at least hindi man kami, nalaman ko hindi naman talaga magtatagal iyong ganung setup. Hindi naman din siya priority ko, gusto ko lang maranasana kung paano iyong feeling na ma-inlove HA-HA CORN ko na naman. Sige na nga, maging masaya na. Magbabagong taon na. Closed ko na sa chapter na ganito. Wala man continuation, may panibagong yugto naman siguro. Ang dami ko kasi naiisip, sa kanya ko pa talaga sinubukan iyong mga ganung moments HA-HA Hello – Welcome na lang. Naging masaya naman ako sa kanya eh. 🙂

Ingenuities

I’ve been having lot of imaginations now and I can’t stop thinking about it. I guess I just need to blog another post for this.

How everyone Christmas? Another year to remember and celebrate. Another year of hope and surprises. Hoping for another cool stuff and memories to collect. At this moment, I’m just preparing myself for the upcoming examination I will have next year (2014). I’m having a hard time copying and transferring files since they are all really consumed lot in time. But then, I just need some patience for me to practice those applications and remember some pointers needed that might be question in the exam.

There are a lot of stories happened to me this 2013. I can’t really tell them all since some are my personal matter and need some privacy. Just want to share some 🙂

It’s cool actually to have somewhat called “partner” in life. Someone you can called, “companion, special person or anything you want”. I enjoyed being part of a relationship. Aside from the fact of those relationship when it comes to parents and religion. A relationship in a love thing side. And that would be one of those things I imagined now. I don’t like to be serious when it comes to those kind of affection but this one is different. I went through a relationship of a different sexual preferences or orientation. I never thought on myself that I would be part of this scenario but then again, who would have thought that I also felt and asked myself, “what if I’m also like them?” HAHA another crazy bungling stuff running through my mind.

There are times I really can’t resist myself but keeps on having conversation with that person. I already said, I’m not serious but just another few days realizing I really missed that person much, I will go back again on my same routine and started to have another discussion for longer hours even its last until morning. I just can’t figure out even on myself, why that person still accept me all my flaws and everything about me. Maybe because I gave that person a motivation before that I want a serious relationship and doing some good acts but after all letting that person fall in love seriously, I will change my mind after and do broke up things. Guilty and conscience do come to me right after doing those things. I can’t say I’m narcissist and just concerned about my inner state of mind more but of course, that person also have feelings that needs to respect and understand. I felt I’m just the one fooling myself around. Doing lies to that person too much. Saying I love you might not worked now with this but now, I still don’t know what to think about because the worst things about this, is that, I’m also fallen in love with that person. HAHA I tried to control it into myself to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings but when I do think of that person and that person presence passed by on my mind, I started to miss that person more. This is really bad actually. A bad imagination that need to be stop. I can’t focus more on what I really want to do. HAHA crazy me who started all this stuff. We don’t know if that person might read this blog post of mine but whatever happened now, that person still will remain important into my life. HAHA silly me who still keeps on thinking about this even though there are a lot of reasons need to forget and move on for the meantime. I just don’t know why having a relationship with those different preferences become vital to me. It’s not that I’m against on it since I had seen lot of this things before and my friends also share their stories when it comes to dealing with it, it’s just that, you can feel that importance and what you can’t find on mostly regular opposite relationship.

On the other side, I just make myself happy not thinking about that person too much. That person deserves more than what I can offer (love, happiness, memories and affection). I just need to move on and start to focus more on what I really want since this is just part of those tryout I just want to experience when being in this kind of relationship in life.