Completely In Process

I’m back again to blogging. Ha-ha it’s been a long long months since I had waited for another topic to put in here. I had the lot of experiences that came to my life once again. I promised to stop those habits before but I can’t help it, I still tried to do those same old lies. My heart keeps beating faster and when I tried to think what words, sentences and phrases to put here, I felt like I can’t breathe. It’s hard for me to breathe. I don’t know, but maybe it’s because of the feelings I still tried to hold on.

There were some cases I tried to communicate with other people, yeah of course because you need to socialize with others like talked to them like you met them before. But there were times when I started to put a connection between me and them. Another love and strange feelings strike! And BOOM! It’s like flirting until you are now hooking up with other. I can’t stop it, you have the feelings that maybe you’re in love with this person even though you don’t see each other yet and you don’t know much about that person. Crazy feeling which is a crazy little thing called love ha-ha the mutual feelings are linking! Ha-ha then here’s another person coming on my way and when I started to talk with that person; lot of imagination came up on my mind. I shared it to them, and I’m trying to catch the feelings of that person until another love will fall for me to catch it. I know in my part, I’m just doing it for experience but maybe it’s just all in my head. What about their feelings? I’m not that type of person who is like an air which is so cool and rude sometimes but I just want to know if that person would be perfectly right for me. If that person is the real one I want to be my last but still I guess, it’s hard to define what true love really means.

I can’t explain specifically what I’m typing here. I’m in the state of curiosity ha-ha I don’t know what to expect, to assume and to think what could be the right actions for me to become serious. Maybe it’s because of my personality, my identity. I experienced to love and be hurt before and just like the saying: “I’d rather be hurt by the truth, than protected by a lie” ha-ha I just ended up those relationships to relation-shit! Ha-ha NO! I’m just kidding, what I mean is, I just confronted them to stop the relationship and I’m trying to act like I’m hurt by what I said to them knowing that it’s just all part of my plans.

My conscience is attacking me again. It’s because of my religion also that reflects my personality. I believed in God even though he doesn’t exist. I know that every acts and mistakes I made will be recorded to his law. But I admit on which I shared to you from the start that I can’t control myself sometimes doing this habit, hurting other people. Hurting their feelings and ended it just like crumpled paper throwing it into the trash can then acting like nothing happens. I still feel the pain. Yeah I admit because I know how to love also in other ways but this feeling on which I can’t control that still keeps me typing here on this blog is strange. I can’t explain what this is all about. I blame others and specially myself. Maybe there will be a right time, right moment, and right place that I will see myself having a real true love to be called as a true relationship.

True relationship on which I will not look for another person to filled the incomplete traits of my partner and being faithful and true to myself for loving my special someone. I just hate myself sometimes for hurting other feelings I feel like I’m also hurting myself twice or maybe thrice the pain they felt when I started to leave them alone.  Like now on what I’m doing, I’m doing another non-sense thing here on the internet than to do my website and fix the bugs and error and review for my next exams. Maybe I just put myself into something different just to test my curiosity but when my conscience followed, I just wake up and realized I’m only dreaming. I need to stop this crazy feeling that will surely let my heart feel the pain in the end.


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